Forgetting to smile.
He asked mouse if she were happy early last week in bed, he was rather awkwardly snaked around mouse holding her close. As rhough she were a pillow, with parts of his body resting on her at the same time holding her still. Its not uncommon for us to engage in a little pillow talk, before dropping off to sleep, although we already discussed so much and mouse was feeling content. Quickly mouse replied that of course she was happy. Seemed silly for him to ask that; was mouse not acting happy?. He's always been a bit on the quiet side himself, observant and tends to notice things about himself and others. People,he said, rarely smile, anywhere. Even mouse, he's noticed and probably in himself. Smiles are rare but genuine.
The baby, hopefully like most little kids, since her first smiles appeared has always smiled most of the time. It's enchanting. Sometimes we smile just because of her...it's kinda infectious.
The next day, mouse more aware she supposes, watched people and Daddy's right people rarely smile. Our butcher smiles, all the time and not just his lips, his whole face, and his eyes twinkle. Most others are just so focused on their lives, task (like mouse who was shopping), or job, they don't. Even mouse had to remind herself to smile once she left the butcher. Trying to think happy thoughts, so the smile is actually real. That's the other thing she noticed, people who do smile sometimes seem to fake it.
Like the checker at the supermarket. The one who blandly asks, "did you find everything ok?" and if you happen to reply, "no" says nothing else, because that part wasn't included in their training. They don't smile. Sure their lips curl upwards, it's not real though. Conscious of this, mouse put in effort to smile, but soon found herself in a bit of conundrum, in order to effectively smile, mouse had to think about happy things. Disneyland. People are always smiling those super-charged, they-put-something-in-the-water smiles. However if mouse walks around with happy thoughts of Disneyland, she's not practicing her mindfulness Master expects. Walking around with a fake plastic smile won't do, because the eyes betray you.
Is the butcher just so thrilled with his shop and life, he just naturally looks happy. Like he loves life. How rare is that?
During a bit of downtime, mouse looked through some old photo albums his mom put together. Studying smiles, just an idle curiosity. There were a few years Daddy seemed like the life was sucked out of him. His eyes were completely empty. Even his smiles looked forced. Then a few pages later mouse saw Daddy holding our Babygirl and looked truly happy. The way he looks when he looks at the people he loves.
Maybe instead of thinking about Disneyland, she'll just think of him (maybe in Disneyland). Don't know if it'll work, or if mouse will just become lost in thoughts and forget where she's going,
It's hard though, even writing this, a whole post on smiling and mouse hasn't smiled while writing the whole time. Honestly mouse might feel frustrated if she didn't find it so ridiculous. Really shouldn't smiling be natural -- it's not like mouse doesn't love her life -- is she just that out or practice? Or is it when she concentrates, she doesn't think to smile?
The whole smiling issue is really mouse's personal segue, when she began thinking about outward signs of happiness. How do we identify happy people?